Johnny Depp Monday!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

Johnny Depp Monday!

If It's Not One Thing...It's Your Mother.

Or in this case, my stepmother.

We have had a pretty tough year. In fact, it has been the worst year on record. I won't bore you with details, but most of it has to do with money. Although, we are far from out of the woods, we have taken the right steps forward.

I dealt with a major problem yesterday and just when things seemed to be headed in the right direction, I was literally bitch slapped with a new one today.

As most of you know, I do my father's grocery shopping on Wednesdays. Today, Vivi had her little holiday program at school and then I had to drive Uncle Jim to work. I didn't arrive at my father's until about 2.

There wasn't anything unusual about today's visit, the house was hot, the list consisted of toilet paper and soup. There was a problem though, my stepmother. She doesn't like to eat and from the looks of it, she hasn't eaten in a while. A long while.

She has always been thin, but my best estimate is that she now weighs about 89 lbs and she's 6 feet tall. I know, right???

She looks like a skeleton!!!! She also fell and hurt her back, so she is having a hard time walking.

I literally had my cell in my hand with 9 and 1 already pushed and my finger hovering over the 1.

The only way she could convince me to not call the ambulance is to promise to follow my eating plan for her. We went over things that she liked to eat and added them to the grocery list. She's a creature of habit so I wrote up a few small meals that I know she will eat. She has to eat 6 times a day and I made my father promise to tell me if she doesn't. I will go over there with a plumber's helper and a shovel to get it all in.

My father was trying to give her 3 large meals a day, but they overwhelmed her, mentally and emotionally she would already be full before she even started. 6 small meals is a much better plan for her, sort of like a diabetic. That way when she finishes something she has a little pride and is more likely to eat more.

After our talk, the look on their faces told me that I put the fear of God into both of them. I also said that if the plan is not followed, I am sure the hospital would be happy to put a tube in her stomach and pump food into it.

When we get her strength up, then I will make her walk with me and do some stretches so we can maybe fix her back a little. But even a car won't go if you don't put fuel in it.

I really hope this works because I would like to respect her wishes about going to the hospital. Although, I will have no problem making that call if it comes down to it.

Please keep us in your prayers while I police this matter more closely. At least this time it didn't have anything to do with money.

Things You Might Have Overheard at Our House.

Matt: (walking in the door after work) "I got a tip from a MILF today!!!!"

Me: "Was it a MILF or a Cougar?"

Matt: "What's the difference?"

Me: "MILFs don't really need to tip, they get by on their MILFiness"

Matt: "What if a guy tips me?"

Me: "Well, he obviously likes the way you dance in your work pants."

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Emerson: (reading Little House in The Big Woods) "The dancing was so pretty and the music so gay... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Me: "Somehow, Em, I don't think they were talking the Village People." "There is another meaning to the word gay."

Emerson: "There is?"

Me: "Yes, it means happy or joyous."

Emerson: "Oh, then that's not really that funny."

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Vivi and I were sharing some Dove Promises and on each wrapper there is a little message, just like a fortune cookie.

Vivi got one that said "Share a secret over a Dove Promise"

Me: "Now you have to tell me a secret."

Vivi: "Okay." (in a whisper with her hand cupped by her mouth) "You're my best friend."

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Matt: "You know if you travel in time and you come across the past or future you, don't touch yourself because you can destroy the universe."

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Matt: "I'm just saying that if you travel in time, don't touch yourself."

Me: "That's some sound advice, but you better not do any time travel, you can't keep your hands off yourself."

Johnny Depp Monday!

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!

We had some internet connection problems. It seems that a new cable company has been very busy putting up their cables and snipping any old phone line that gets in the way. I have my own theory about why our line got clipped but they mostly involve an anonymous jealous Johnny Depp fan and Matt is calling me paranoid.

Anywho, it took the phone company 2 weeks to get us back up and running.

In that time, I missed 2 Johnny Depp Mondays! (For shame!!!!) So, here is a good one for all of you.