Open Letter to My Boss*

Dear Boss,

I just want to start this letter out by telling you how much I enjoy working here. If I didn't come here every single day f0r 10 hours a day, I would be so completely bored enjoying my family.

That said, I feel that we need to clear up a few things in order for us to work more...um...harmoniously. (Translation; I don't want to have to kill you with a staple remover!)

1) You know I start work every day at 8am, it never changes. So please don't start calling me at 7am and continue to call every 5 minutes to find out what time I will be there. If you continue to do this I will invest in an air horn and blow your eardrum out.

2) I don't know why the coffee maker is making noises at you. It's probably the same reason why the microwave laughs at you.

3) If the copier is out of paper, put paper in it. Do not stand in the middle of the room and bellow that it's out of paper. It is not booby trapped, nor does it only respond to my voice. You just do it.

4) If the copier is out of toner, DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! I don't think we want to relive the incident where you got frustrated and tried to beat the copier with it's own toner. By the way, you still owe me for that dry cleaning bill...just sayin'.

5) As much as I appreciate you "keeping me in the loop", I do not need to be copied on the dirty emails between you and your wife. You can go ahead and keep a lid on that little secret.

6) If you take the last pen out of the office supply cabinet, please let me know so I can order more. I know it surprises you that I am not psychically connected to all the supplies in the cabinet. I don't know we're out until I go looking for something.

7) As much as you think I am able to multi-task, I cannot listen to the customer on the phone and your conversation at the same time. So if you see me sort of talking into a strange black handle that I hold up to my face. Please wait until I place it back on the black box with all the numbers before you regale me with your weekend stories.

8) I understand that emergencies come up, but PLEASE don't wait until I have my computer turned off, my coat on, my car started, backing out of the parking space to tell me that you have a report due first thing in the morning that you forgot about. And then when I do stay late to help you, please don't come out of your office when you leave for the day and ask innocently "You still here?" It demeans us both.

9) I am so glad you had a wonderful time on your vacation to the Riviera, but please, if you go again, you do not need to send me pictures on my phone of you and your wife on the nude beach. Remember, that meeting with HR where we discussed boundaries?

10) Finally, do you remember when I fished you tie out of the shredder, in turn saving your life? Or the time I drove 60 miles in a blizzard to drop off your favorite travel mug because you forgot it before your business trip? And I have never once mixed up your wife and your girlfriend on the phone saving you a ton of money in divorce proceedings. All those things constitutes a little more than 3 $1.00 McDonald's Gift Certificates for Christmas!

I hope we now understand each other a little better. Thank you.

Respectfully,

Your Loyal Assistant*


*Completely fictitious. Like I would work for this guy!! ( Had to put this in just in case my real boss's wife read this and kills an innocent man!)